December 02, 2007
Boys, Boys, and More Boys
Well, once again I am back. I'd give the speech where I talk about why I've been gone, but I'd just be wasting my time because I know why I've been gone - busy with schoolwork, uninspired, etc., etc., etc. So there, I've got that out of the way.
These next journal entries are going to be about my love life (or lack of...or how it's in development). So if you can't stand hearing about love and romance, this isn't the diary for you. However, if you're a love addict like I am, then read on. If you want. I'm writing for me now.
So now that Voldemort (that's the guy I'm "with" now...when I get the time to and when I feel ready I'm going to post a huge diary entry on Voldemort.) (Oh yeah, the code name - my friend thought of that) is about to be either kicked out the door by me, or he will choose to walk out of my life, I need more options. Having Voldemort in my life is one of the best things that ever happened to me, and without someone by my side I don't know what I'd do. All my life I've wanted someone to hold and to hold me, someone to kiss and to kiss me, someone to love and to love me in return. For about eight months I had that in my life, and then around July things started to go downhill.
He promised me that he'd never hurt me, that he'd always be beside me. He even promised to marry me. But all of those are just broken promises that I don't think that he can mend. He's awful now. He sends me mixed messages. He says that he loves me even though I know he probably doesn't mean it anymore. The next worst thing he can do is cheat, and I think he even wants to, since he's said he wonders what life would be like with another girl.
Now, after reading that, I bet you're all "He's an asshole. Leave him!" That's what I should do. That's what my friends keep telling me to do. But thing is, I'm so in love and addicted to love that I'd rather be with someone who treats me like crap than be alone again. I remember what life was like when I was alone. It was not fun. It was constant lonliness, despite me having everything I need - a great family, decent friends, a home to live in, and a good school that I attend. All of it is meaningless to me though without love.
I'm not saying I enjoy this. I don't. It's hell and it hurts like crazy. But being alone was so much worse. I felt like crying all the time, and I felt so unloved, so worthless. At least now I know that I'm capable of having someone love me, because I know he did thirteen months and one day ago. But anyway, if I could have a choice between Voldemort and these two other guys, I'd choose one of the two other guys. Or maybe not...Voldemort was my first love. And it was so romantic too...but still, I want to know what it's like to actually have a guy by your side to love you. So if I could, I really would choose one of the other guys.
One of them, my first "last resort", is TZ (that stands for something) (not his real name). TZ is in my grade and seems kind of sweet. I know his birthday's in January so he's either a Capricorn or an Aquarius. If he's a Capricorn that's great, since I'm a Pisces, but if he'san Aquarius then I'm screwed. Although my parents' signs don't match up, and they're a happily married couple.
I'm going to call TZ Capricorn. Or Cap, for short. I've been interested in Cap since my freshman year. February 26th, to be exact. I might post up that journal entry later. Anyway, it's been awhile and I'm going to try to talk to him some more to be friends with him first (I've learned from Voldemort that for romance to work, friendship needs to be its base). Then hopefully I can move up to the romance level.
Today he was at church. I think he said hi to me! :) I saw his friend, and he said "Hey, how's it going?" to me. Then Cap and I locked eyes, or at least lfooked at each other, and I saw his lips move, and I think they might've said, "Hi, -insert my name here-." Which is a good thing, because he not only acknowledged my existence, but he used my name, too!
It probably meant nothing to him, but hey, a girl can dream, right? ;)
The other guy, aka the final "last resort", is Sagittarius, or SG for short. SG is in college, and my brother introduced us today. He's short-ish, but hey, so is Cap. He didn't say much to me. That's one of the reasons why he's the final last resort. That, and on Facebook he ignored me for no reason.
So there, you have the three boys that are on my mind. Right now I've gotta go for a school band concert. Hopefully that'll go well in the Amish band uniform! (No, I'm not Amish, but our band uniform looks that way). More later!
wait4you at 8:48 a.m.
