November 26, 2003
Not Funny
I went to my youth group last night. I didn't feel depressed after leaving, which is good, but I did feel different.
I'm shy. Okay, quiet if you're really smart and critical, but still, I'm different than everybody else. I wonder, God, why me?!? Why'd You make ME shy? There's something wrong with me! You'd think that that's the worst part, being the only one shy in my class. But no, it gets worse.
My choir teacher made fun of me for being shy today. He didn't mean to offend me, of course; he never does. But the worst part was when he made a comment to another boy about it! That mad me mad. I mean, being shy is not funny. It causes depression and aloneness. Yesterday, I was in darkness and despair, feeling the world had no need for me; that I could never make a difference and save the world, the dream I've been longing for. I felt like a runt; useless and should be disposed of. All I wanted to do was cut, scream, cry, and shoot myself. I never actually do it, though. Just think about it. Unless you count choking yourself halfway even though you knew it wouldn't work. Or using a brush to cut instead of a knife (I couldn't find one and my parents were home). But anyway, it's not funny. I'm trying to get better.
I must go now. Thanksgiving's tomorrow, and I've got lots do do.
wait4you at 7:39 p.m.
