January 29, 2004
My Secret Is Released
I told my parents last night my depression secret. I told them mostly everything--the depression, constant thoughts of suicide, and recent cutting. I won't cut again, though. Now my arm is all gross and burns. And it wasn't even that bad. But I couldn't help myself; I just had to get away.
I'm going to see a guy tonight that will want to talk to me. I don't really want to talk to him, though, because I regret every single minute I spoke to my parents last night about my depression. They think I have a chemical brain imbalance. I've heard of that but I have no clue what it is. They were also spying on me last night. Which MAY make me to the locking-your-diary trend soon. I'm not saying I will, I'm just saying that it could happen. So don't ask me for the password yet; if I have to lock it, I'll tell you when.
I feel so alone. I feel like no one relates to me. Whenever I see someone smile, that stabs me in the heart really hard. All these thoughts come to me like, "Why aren't I happy like that girl?" I've been doing a pretty good job faking me being happy. I'll laugh along with my friends with the Steve Doerflinger thing. But inside, I am hurting, rotting and decaying, dying. I can't take this. I just want to go away to some place where there is no pain or regret. I'm not going to kill myself, though, that would cause too much pain on the people that actually do care about me.
I wasn't at school today because my parents thought I needed a day off, so I didn't experience the living nightmare today. Well, not as bad. I woke up going, "I had a nightmare last night, did I?" Then I went, "No, this is real life." That freaked me out.
Well, that's about all I have to say for now. I am asking you all to pray for me, please. I have no idea what's going to go on next, I am so scared. I don't think I've been this scared in my life. So please pray for me. Thank you everybody who's sent comments here to make me feel better. It really means a lot to me.
wait4you at 4:44 p.m.
